Well, I guess the best place to start would be with the beginning, rather than a conclusion, but I feel like I need to say this now. 2017 was not my year. I gladly waved it goodbye on New Year’s Eve and welcomed in the new year with a big, sloppy kiss. Haere mai 2018.
Back to the beginning.
At the stroke of midnight on January 1st, 2017, I was sitting on my best friend’s couch after an extremely quiet night in watching Sex in the City. I was sipping Ovi Hydration (my fave), and she was heavily pregnant at 40 weeks, 3 days. 6 days later, her little bundle of joy entered the world just an hour before my birthday (seriously, could you not wait Paige?). I spent my birthday morning cuddling and photographing Mr Lane, my favourite little buddy, who I proudly wear the badge of honorary Aunty for. Congrats on one year friend!
A few weeks later and I was back to work at a job that I was miserable in. My whole last week of my Christmas break I spent stressing and crying, dreading going back. I put my big girl’s knickers on and walked back into the door determined to do the best job possible and somehow figure out an exit strategy. The prospect of an overseas family holiday also kept me motivated. However, the stress, anxiety, and tears still travelled with me through this time. By March I had a plan to get out my current job and start a new role doing some small business farm work. It was something that would be my own little project, and that really excited me. We went to the Sunshine Coast with my family in April and I finished up at my job a few weeks later. As unhappy as I was in that job, I still cried sad tears all the way on my half hour drive home. And then more later on when Aaron got in from work. I was sad to be leaving my wee friends and also disappointed in myself and my strength (or lack of). I let others get the best of me and tell me that I wasn’t good enough. I had been torn down and my self confidence was pretty low. I was burnt out, run down, and more tense than ever.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
A New Project
Determined to prove myself, I put my head down and worked hard in my new job. I probably bit off a little more than I could chew to be honest, and I soon struggled to keep up. Not long into my new job we found out that I was pregnant! This was the happiest time for both of us. FINALLY, I had a job that I liked, that I found purpose in, and I was pregnant after 15 months of trying. The next few months were hard, but very exciting. I was a hormonal nutcase, and wanted to spew at every smell, although I never actually physically threw up. I soldiered on and did my best to keep up with my work load and napped at every opportunity.
11 weeks and it came to an end. August 17. The full story is here. It broke me, it really did. At the same time there was also a bit of a drama with my job and I had to make a decision on whether to keep going or not. I was right in the middle of heavy grief and I really couldn’t cope with much. At the time I didn’t have the mental capacity, so I said no to continuing. I launched straight into trying to find something else to fill my time with. I finished painting the interior of our house, and applied to be an at-home educator. I went through the whole application process, bought resources and set up a playroom, only to find no children in our area in need of my care. That was a bit of a blow. I think it was God telling me to chill out a bit, it wasn’t essential that I earn money at that stage, so maybe I just needed to focus on getting myself better first. The miscarriage was not only hard to mentally get over, but also had a physical toll on me. I had gained weight (again) and was pretty unhappy with how I looked which didn’t help my mental state.
Getting Back Up
Two months after our loss, in mid October I decided to get back up on my feet again. I started listening to audiobooks and podcasts again, and I started exercising and eating better. I was so sick of being unhappy so I decided to do something about it. I figured the best way to do this was to better myself, my body and my mind. This of course isn’t an overnight transformation but a long and slow journey that I will forever be on. Getting back up was the best thing I did for myself in 2017, and one thing that I’m very grateful for. I still of course get down and get sad. That’s only natural. There seems to be another pregnancy announcement every two days, which is one of the toughest things for me to deal with. I desperately want to have our own wee family and to be a mother but that just isn’t happening for us right now. It’s hard, so so hard, but I am however developing strength and strategies to deal with it and get on with life.
It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters in the end. – Ursula K. Le Guin
2017 was the year that almost everything went wrong. It was a big, long string of unfortunate events that left me wondering what the heck was going on. I would attempt to get over one thing, and another would knock the wind out of my sails again. One day, when I’m a little old lady in a rocking chair, I hope to look back on the things that have happened and laugh, or smile and be grateful, acknowledging how God worked it all out, because he does, right? I’ll forever be grateful for my God, my husband, family and friends for always loving and supporting me. They’re the best.
Happenings on the Blog
I really am so glad that I have this platform and group of people to share with. I try my best to be transparent and honest, while keeping everything as positive as possible. I am so grateful for all your support, kind messages, and helpful advice throughout the past year. You guys are the best.
And here, the most popular blog posts of 2017:
- Our Miscarriage Story
- 42 Things to Get Your Sister for CHRISTMAS – Ultimate 2017 Gift Guide
- DIY Recipe Book
- Sweet Girl, You’re Not Alone – Miscarriage + Infertility
- My Secret to Getting Stuff Done – Our Home Progress
Favourite Things from 2017
- Getting an Audible membership. I get one credit per month which gives me one book. I love that I can listen in the car, and when I’m out walking. Favourites so far have been The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Berstein and The Power of Vulnerability by Brene Brown.
- Marvellous Moms Podcast. I LOVE this. Kirtsen (the host) interviews one Mom/superwoman in each episode and they tell their story. She interviews big business CEOs right through to stay at home moms. Every one has a story to tell.
- Sweat by Kayla Itsines This one has been a game changer! I’ve been following the BBG programme since November and really enjoy it. I do both the exercise and the food plan. I’ve never stuck with anything for much longer than a week or two, so the fact that I still do this is a miracle.
- Instagrammers and Snapchatters. There’s just so much to learn from others. Favourites include: Jenna Rammell, Kelly Mindell, Jordan Whittaker, Erin Wilkins, Vanessa Watson, Elsie Larson, Erana Pound, and Ashy Bines.
- Starting essential oils has of course been a highlight and I am LOVING using them. I look forward to learning more this year and growing my little business.
Plans for 2018
My word for 2018 is NOURISH. I plan to nourish my mind, body, relationships, friendships and everything in between. I plan to work hard, play hard, and also rest. I hope to take each moment as it comes, to be courageously vulnerable, to better myself daily, to put my trust in God more, and to show love and kindness at a greater level.
One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon- instead of enjoying the roses that are blooming outside our windows today. – Dale Carnegie
Have a truly wonderful and blessed year friends.